The chemistry of a mood.

By: CharlieDia

Apr 20 2010

Category: Uncategorized

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Covalent bonds, ionic bonds, metallic bonds, van der Waals, and hydrogen bonds. These are the different ways that the bitty-itty minuscule part and particles hold together to form our very existence and how we experience it. What they call strong bonds cling tightly to each other by the sheer force of shared energy, shared blobs of charge that spin in space. They form the solids we sit upon, set our cups of coffee onto, trust implicitly when we press our bare feet to the floor. The Earth doesn’t move underneath us. (Aside from any tectonic irregularities, okay, okay, I’ll give you that one.) Everything is strong, solid. But the thing about solids is that if you pull hard enough. If you exert enough force and energy and speed, you can overcome it. like Astronauts pulling away from the pull of the planet.

Right now, I’m feeling… shaken. No, not shaken. Shaky. Like every one of my atoms has the energy to break free. Like I’m a giant mass of Brownian motion, random movements in any and all directions with no rhyme or reason. Like I need to sky dive, bungee jump, learn to kickbox, learn to dance ballet, get in the car and go, to spend hours on end in museums, to draw my way through volumes of blank page.

This happens sometimes. This moment when standing still isn’t enough. Dancing and flying on the wind isn’t enough. Chemistry metaphors and similes aren’t nearly enough.

BLOGGING, YOU CHEAP FLOOSY, YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH EITHER. Take that, hooker.

I don’t know if it’s the anxiety building up again after several months of low-dosage medications or the latent anger problems or BOTH that’s causing this fuzzy feeling. I can’t call it mania. I may be a bit friggin’ crazy in the head and in the heart, but I’m not manic. I’m not. I’m just restless. I’m bored to the very core of my being, down to the smallest pieces of me. It’s the craziness we get from being stagnant and static and still. It’s the itch to travel and have adventures and hope for something greater that has been hiding underneath my skin, sharing space with repressed seething anger and resentment at everything.

It’s the energy that barely bubbles up to the surface every so often, reigned in over the years with the fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of judgement, of growing up and doing it on my own, of being frivilous and making unnecessary risks too early and before I can afford it, of every bad word in the whole wide dictionary, rational or not!

The push and pull of it gets stronger every time; I can’t deny it when it’s rippling just beneath the surface. One day, it will get the best of me, and I won’t be able to contain this need to burst through my self-inflicted restraints. When the feeling of scattered energy will be more than a feeling. It’ll be reality. And if I don’t disintigrate from the heat and power of it, when flames of red meets waves of blue, it’s going to be mighty glorious.

Let me tell you it will be a glorious time.